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z To search or not to search...
Kia ora koutou
I was adopted and have wondered over the years weather or not to look for my natural mother, but I have never done anything about it, I guess cos I'm chicken. I have been reading the posts here for a while now and have seen people looking for their adopted parents and in some cases finding them or their whanau.
I guess different people search for different reasons. Me, I guess I am scared to take that step, scared of rejection, scared of disrupting my natural mother's life.
I have my adoption papers as well as the interview notes of why I was adopted, and I do not have a problem with that -I respect my natural mother for her decisions and her reasons.
Everyone here is so supportive of each other and their quests, so I was wondering if someone could give me some advise and guidence. I know that the ultimate decision to search or not to search is up to me, but other perspectives would help.
Thank you for your time.
kia ora koe Adopted
I feel alot of aroha for you and dont you for one minute think that you are a chicken because a chicken you are not you are the absolute oppositethis is your first step to finding your mum and you know this would of being the hardest step you ever had to take and you did it.I personally will be so proud to have such a considerate, caring and loving sister like you.cause you made this step you will eventually make the second and then the third and then so on and so on
You are such and awesome person to consider the feelings of your mum
so what ever you decide you go for it you just listen to your heart and you will never go wrong.
I wish you luck in what ever path you choose.
Naku Noa Na Inu
Aloha no Hanai (Adopted),
I read your post and couldn't help but feel aloha for you in your situation- like artecwoman, I don't think that you are a moa (chicken) at all. Having shared your feelings regarding your desire to search for your natural mother tells us that you have been pondering/considering whether to do this or not for a long time.
Well if you will permit me, kalamai ia'u (I appologize) in advance for my opinion. This is only my point of view and you can decide for yourself what you would like to do.
I respectfully think that you should pursue finding your natural mother. My reasoning is that doing so would satisfy the question of "did I try to find her and reach out to her or not?" for yourself. Seeking her out just may turn both yours and her perception around of each other and open new ties to your whanau.
He kehau ho`oma`ema`e ke aloha.
(Love is like a cleansing dew.)
The cleansing power of aloha
can soothe and heal.
Hurt, pain, and suffering
yield to aloha's healing power.
If anything, have aloha for her and be her friend.
`A`ohe loa i ka hana a ke aloha.
(Distance is ignored by love.)
`Oi kau ka lÃ¢, e hana i ola honua.
(While the sun yet shines do all you can.)
While there is earthly life (ola honua), do all you can.
As these words of wisdom came from Mrs. Pukui a kupuna (elder) of Hawai'i, so I share them with you. May your wa'a (canoe) arrive at the destination of your choosing.
Edited by - Anianiku on Dec 17 2004 04:08:31 AM
Kia Ora Adopted,
My sister-in-law was adopted, like you she wonted to find her mother after 25 years she went thru an agency called jigsaw.
They found her the agency that is went to see her mother and told her that her daughter wonted to meet her, but she declined to meet her daughter. My sister-in-law to this day has let sleeping dogs lie!!! In your case adopted it may be different, you go for it!!!
hi,I too am adopted & seeking whanau.I found my bio-mother about 10-12 yrs ago now.Yes & the feelings you are xperincing.Are to somewhat daunting not 2 mention overpowering.From my own personal encounters.You go 4 it,only then will you have peace of mind.Meeting my mother was rough to say the least,& did'nt seem like a good idea after all.But I chose to ignore our encounter.As she is not ALL my family.In having taken that path.I can happily say 2day I am 1 of 8 kids(all adoted out).I've many neices& nephews.2day I've restarted my journey &now I've many cousins,aunts&uncles that I've still to find,meet etc.It is a beautiful feeling when it starts 2 happen.It's like an landslide you find 1 relative & they jus keep coming. And it will be 4 you too..
Edited by - kazz on Mar 28 2005 9:50:06 PM
Kia ora Adopted
Like you, I am adopted, however, I'm adopted within my whanau, so, I knew my one side of my 'birth' family, ie., my 'birth' mother, uncles, aunts, etc.,
However, I never knew my birth father, or even who he was, or anything about him at all. He had passed away in 1992 and I never met him.
However, in the recent past (5 years or so) I have met a half-brother and a half-sister. Both really nice. Both have families.
This is when I found out who my birth father was. My bro instigated our meeting ... he turned up at work and said, "Hi, I'm your brother. Nice to meet you." Or something like that.
So now I have some 'real' nieces and nephews (and grand nephews and grand nieces).
I have also met a sister of my 'birth father' and she was nice too. Apparently, there are lots more uncles and aunts and cuzzies too.
So, for me it was a good experience. I can't guarantee that it will be the same for you, but if you're thinking about it, then I think that deep inside, you really want to do it.
Like I said, it was a really cool experience meeting THE WHANAU. I highly recommend you doing it!!!!
By the way, I'm a dude ... so, I'm giving you a guy's perspective at being a chicken.
Kia kaha, na
The Phantom Maori
Ae e ko, Kia Kaha go and find you roots its obvious you share a yearning to know! But be aware that everything is not what it seems! The whanau tend to hide alot and I should know this from experience I did not know I was adopted until my late 20s and that was hard! What got me was I saw myself walking towards me! I didnt know I was a twin and thats how strange it was! But Kia kaha, Kia maia, Kia manawanui
Kia Ora adopted,
There are many interesting aspects to the replys posted so far that need to be considered. I would like to simplify the process by taking away the emotional aspect -which is of course the most challenging!
The answer I think lies in the following questions-
What is best
1)to deal with what is already known and always wonder what the other sides like or...
2)To feel the fear and do it anyway, find out what you can about your birth family and choose at what level (if any) you will maintain future contact
Fear is something we all have and to a certain degree it is there to protect us. If you opt for Number 2 make sure you have a good support network to fall back on -who do not have their own agendas to consider Perhaps people who have been through similar
Good luck with it regards joy
Kia ora Adopted
To search or not to search is something that only you can decide. And I guess you wont know the answer unitl you start, cause depending on the outcome of your initial query, you will know whether to pursue it more, whether to take it slow, or go full steam ahead.
As previous responses say, support/awhi network would be something you may need to fall back on when need be. And there are great responses here from the members offering their awhi and own experineces.
So when the time feels right for you, and the idea of it seems less scary, then follow what you think you should, have the support there, wether you go ahead or not, and know that you are somebody, special, who has come through life to this point, and that if rejection comes about, then know that it is not you, who has something to hide or to be afraid of.
Kia ora Adopted,
I feel for you and your situation. You're not a chicken, you are analysing your thoughts and feelings, as well as the others involved as well. I have a little half brother that doesn't know that I or my other siblings even exist. I think the same way as you. All these questions run through my head - Should I let him know? Will I break up a happy home? Will he go into denial and reject me and my other siblings? What will my natural father think of me, when I find him? I have accepted him as my little brother and would love to meet him, but as I don't know his family situation right now, I don't think that I could confront him with the truth. I'm afraid of breaking up a happy home. But your story is different though, if you need to be with your true family then GO FOR IT!! You will have peace when you resolve your issue. I don't want to sound negative right now, but if things go wrong for you-(hopefully NOT), just remember that you still have a whole lot of your friends and your adopted family out there - that will always love you for who you are.
Kia ora Adopted,
Here are two of my favourite sayings:
- "People don't care how much you know .. until they know how much you care."
- "It does not matter what others think about you, their opinions may change .. what is important is what you think about yourself."
You will find those sayings posted in our family website as I try to encourage my family to take a good look at themselves. We all know you don't know much about your mum, but you do care, plus my opinion of you is not important and you shouldn't worry about that, what is important is what you think about yourself.
Haere tonu koe ki te kimihia tou matua whaea .. nga mihi nunui kia koe i tenei wa .. kia ora ra .. arohanui kia koe.
One day I went and found my natural father. I was 30yrs old. he was a bit cautious at first.I only spent that one time with him, because I didn't want to upset his family, who knew nothing about me, in my quest to satisfy a curiousity.3 yrs later he died. I'm glad for that one time that has filled in a blank. At the same time, I am p....d off to know that I could have had a much more comfortable life had we had a connection, and I would have been able to pursue the interests I had without concern of costs.my education was limited by lack of resources, and my interests didn't gel with my whanau, yet were directly in line with his genes! I accept with regret, that obviously, it was meant to be.